Burnout Breaking Point
I told my wife that I was leaving her and kids. Burnout is a bitch.
If you are a driven person, always exceeding targets, always seeking the next opportunity but never feeling complete then I feel you.
Burnout snuck up on me like a ninja. I didn't even know the word, but once it had me in its clutches it was extremely difficult to shake.
The first sign was that I put everything I had into my work, ensuring projects were a success, ensuring my team was busy. I always believed that a company was either growing or shrinking with nothing in between. So I always sought work for me and the team.
If the company called I would respond, day or night, didn't matter if it was the weekend, public holiday or my holidays. This was a pattern I would repeat through all my working life. Reflecting on it now it was never the company, the only constant was me. It just took me 30 odd years to realise it.
The second sign was when I had a holiday and was off work, the first couple of days I would get sick that would last almost the full week. Looking back I now realise that was my body trying to handle all the stress I had given it.
The third sign was how cold I felt inside. Nothing fulfilled me. I felt like a robot, very efficient but not feeling. The more success at work I had, the less I felt. I sought more and felt less.
I told my wife one evening once the kids had gone to bed that I had enough of being the butler, looking in on my family, feeling like an outsider and that I was going to leave our home. Still provide for the family but not be there.
That was the first real conversation we had in years and her response convinced me to stay and try and fight. Thank goodness.
I do not believe that we make any bad decisions. We make the best decision we can at the time with all the information available to us, so I don't look back with regret. I cannot change the past but I can learn from it.
My inner drive led me along the path to burnout. Every time I was burnt out, got sick, and rested. The burnouts got more intense and closer together until I hit rock bottom.
Burnout may not be a medical condition but it's real and it has real consequences to me, my family, friends, colleagues and strangers.
If any of this hits you hard I am here for you.
I'm Andy, I may suck at many things but that doesn't stop me from trying.
Read more: Burnout and recovery